A Child Therapist's Guide to Staying Regulated When Your Child is Not

We all know those moments—your child is overwhelmed, shouting, crying, refusing, or melting down. Maybe you’re already tired, stressed, or running on empty. And now, you’re the one expected to stay calm, steady, and in control.

Parenting through dysregulation is one of the hardest emotional tasks there is. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about staying connected enough to yourself so you can guide your child back to calm.

Why regulation matters

When your child is dysregulated, their brain is in survival mode. They need your nervous system to show them: You are safe. I’m here. We’ll get through this together. This is known as co-regulation.

But let’s be honest, staying regulated yourself can feel impossible in the heat of the moment.

So how do you do it?

5 Ways to Stay Regulated When Your Child Isn’t

1. Pause before you react

Take a moment. Step back, plant your feet, or lower your shoulders. You don’t need to respond instantly. Even a few seconds can shift the energy and give you a moment to catch your breath.

2. Lower your voice, slow your movements, come down to their level

When everything feels loud and fast, your child needs calm and slow. Try softening your voice and speaking gently. This not only soothes them, it helps your body stay out of fight-or-flight too. If you can lower your body to their level, that can feel less overwhelming for them.

3. Remind yourself: this is not personal

Your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Their dysregulation is not about you. It’s a signal that they’re overwhelmed and don’t have the tools to cope in that moment.

4. Ground yourself

Even something simple like placing a hand on your chest or holding the back of a chair can anchor you in your body. It reminds you: I’m here, I can handle this.

5. Repair is more important than perfection

If you lose your cool (and we all do sometimes), it’s okay. What matters is what happens next repairing, reconnecting, and modelling how to come back together after rupture.

You are doing enough.

Staying regulated doesn’t mean being emotionless. It means noticing your own reactions, giving yourself compassion, and choosing presence over perfection.

You won’t always get it right—and you don’t have to. Every moment of repair is a lesson in resilience for your child and a reminder that you are human too.

If you’d like support on how to co-regulate more effectively with your child, I’m here to help. Get in touch to book a session coastcounselling@icloud.com.